Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Dear Marco,
This is the last time I’m going to write anything to you for a long time, maybe even forever. You made me fall in love with you, and even though I fucked up a lot, I fucking love you. Whether or not you feel the same way (probably not), it’s how I feel. I know that you know that I’ve noticed that you’ve been hanging out with Phoebe a lot. If you really like her like everyone is telling me you do, then there’s nothing I can do about it, cause I lost you already and I wish you two the best because I want you to be happy. I wish you could be happy with me, and I wish I was enough for you. Even though it hurts me a lot to say this, I think I’ll have to let you go. I don’t know how you’ve been feeling lately, because you never tell me. I always pour my feelings out to you on the phone/in person/in writing, and you honestly never say anything back. You just look at me and make me melt into your eyes and then you act like I didn’t tell you anything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, because I literally have no idea how you feel. It’s really hard for me not to cry as I write this. Since this is goodbye, I might as well tell you that I completely honestly did break up with Nikola completely. I thought it’d make a difference to you, and it hasn’t, but I’m not going to go back to him. I can’t. He told me he loves me, and all I could do was barely stop myself from saying that I love you, Marco. I think I’m never going to let myself get attached again. I found my home in you Marco, and I honestly don’t think I have the emotional capability to find my home in anyone else. I don’t want to find my home in anyone else. I can’t let myself feel this way about anyone again. I just love you so much and I don’t want to let you go. I have to though, because I can’t keep chasing you. I remember that Monday was supposed to be the end of ten days, and we were supposed to start over and see what happened. I’d give anything to start over. To just be able to hang out with you and feel like I’m not completely bothering you every second. I still feel your kisses on my lips. It feels like you just pulled away and my lips still tingle whenever I think about it. I feel like I have so much to say but I’ve run out of words…I also feel like you don’t believe me when I tell you how I feel about you. I pray for you every night before I go to sleep, and every morning when I wake up. I say, “Dear God, thank you for waking me up this morning, I pray that today will be a good day, and that Marco gives me another chance. I pray that he can eventually forgive me and that we can start over.” I literally pray that every morning, because I don’t know what to do anymore. You know how before, I’d ask you how you felt about me? And sometimes you’d say you couldn’t describe it? That’s how I feel right now. There are so many things that could describe how I feel right now but it feels like none of them are adequate enough to be worth it. I know you’re going to read this, and you’re not going to say anything to me because that’s just how you go about things these days…but I just want you to remember October 31st.
I want you. I always want you. But I hate this. I hate being afraid of you hurting me. I really really hate it. I’m running out of places to write my true feelings, because you make me want to tell you everything. I don’t want you to hurt me, but I can’t really see how it can be avoided. Sure, if we really are made for eachother as you say sometimes (which is cute but scares the shit out of me at the same time) we’ll be able to make it through college and stuff. But I just…I don’t know. It scares me, that I honest to God for the first time in my life don’t want anyone else except you. I want to give you my everything and I want your everything in return It’s too soon for me to feel this way and it really really scares me. Honestly. I hate opening up to people. You just look at me and it’s like all my walls come tumbling down.
I’m gonna fall in love with you. That’s the truth and it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to fall in love with you. I don’t want anyone to have that power over me again. I’m such a mess. I can honestly say that no one has ever made me feel the way you do. No one, and I HONESTLY mean no one has ever made me feel high just by kissing them. Never. No matter how long we’ve kissed. It’s like…I don’t feel butterflies or anything like that unless it’s been awhile since I’ve kissed you. Like this morning when we kissed for the first time since Friday. I felt all tingly inside and warm and happy. And it immediately got rid of my slightly bad mood. And when we kiss for awhile, by the time we pull away it’s like I’m nowhere with you. Like, it’s like everything else just fades away and it’s just you and me. Just us somewhere, nowhere, and we’re high together and nothing else matters. I want all my kisses for the rest of my life to be like that.
Please don’t hurt me.
Please, please don’t hurt me.
Please, don’t hurt me.
Please, please, please don’t hurt me.
That’s the person that I really am inside, and even if nothing ever happens between us again, I want you to know that. I’m not a liar, that’s not who I am. But I do almost anything for the people that I love, even if it ends up hurting me in the end. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you right away, because I needed to find the right time to tell you, and the right way to tell you. I’m sorry that you had to find out the way that you did, because it was all fucked up. I’m sorry that I lied to your face, it was fucking horrible, and when I got home, before I called you back I cried. I didn’t want to lose you, but I ended up losing you anyways. There’s nothing else I can really do other than this.
I just want to go home. It’s cold, and I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt.
This is corny…but kind of sums up how I feel in song form. These are two different songs, but the lyrics pretty much describe how I’m feeling half and half. Coincidentally they’re both called goodbye.
I can honestly say
You've been on my mind
Since I woke up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mind
I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
I remember the simple things
I remember till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye
I woke up this morning
And played our song
And through my tears I sang along
I picked up the phone and then
Put it down
'cause I know I'm wasting my time
And I don't mind
I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
I remember the simple things
I remember till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up
With your ring tone
I hesitate but answer it anyway
You sound so alone
And I'm surprised to hear you say
You remember when we kissed
You still feel it on your lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
You remember the simple things
We talk till we cry
You said that your biggest regret
The one thing you wish I'd forget
Is saying goodbye
Saying goodbye
Oh, Goodbye
The hope is fading from my lips
When I kiss you with goodbye
Now when you let go of our last embrace
Please don't look me in the eye
Secret's out, that I just might care about you
You broke me, you're leaving
There's nothing I can do
I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been
I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
The smile fate was wearing, slowly die
Minutes turn to months
Silence of the phone just mocks my cry
When I see that you've moved on
Secret's out that I did care about you
You broke me, you left me
There was nothing I could do
I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been
I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
Do I ever cross your mind?
Cause you're on mine all the time
I can believe how unfair life is sometimes
Find a way to close the door
And be okay with nothing more but
Found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been
I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
The hope is fading from my lips
So I guess this is goodbye Marco Andres.
Unless you don’t want it to be…
Happy Anniversary.
